The past year saw some intense battles for me. I don't know that anything was achieved by them besides getting my own skin out of there intact, and without the commander, I'm certain I wouldn't have been able to. It was an amazing summer - very intense, but amazing. Maybe constantly being under fire makes you realize what matters most, and you put all of your available energy into pursuing it.

It was the first time that it was illustrated for me what serving in this military might mean. I have a drive to someday have a family, among other things, and a number of people have suggested with such certainty that I was made to be in that position - I simply took it for granted that someday I would. I had to accept that I've turned my life over to serving here, which will mean not only assignments that I don't care for, but accepting that, as the commander is who he is, he has a better concept of where I can serve than I do.

After last summer, I'm now assured that I will never opt for a civilian partner again. There's too much hazard in my line of work, and I need to be able to count on my partner to watch my back. Civilians just can't see about half the dangers out there. My new temporary partner is another soldier, but a fairly new recruit. I'm slightly dubious about this - I've grown up knowing a lot of the ins and outs of this field, even before I was a real soldier. He's been at this a few months.

I'm also a little puzzled, because it seemed to make sense that I wouldn't have another mission partner for a few years. There's a lot of specialized training that I need to go through, and a big part of it is supposed to be that you go through it alone - just you and the commander. Breaking and reshaping, as it were. X didn't know about all that - he knew I would be off on a long-distance assignment at some point, and it would be difficult to work together when that point came (he has an assignment at the same time that will keep him here for awhile). He petitioned for months to be my partner.

I'm not sure if that was the commander's recommendation or not on that one. This is my first mission being partnered with another soldier. I'm glad for that, but it also has me slightly on my toes.

This is similar to the mission I had last summer. New precinct, all of the others on my team are soldiers, or should be. I'll find out that one for sure sometime after I arrive. X is also on the same mission, though his assignment is shorter than mine.

It's coming up soon. I'm packing my bag as we speak. Pray for me, for X, and for this assignment. We have the opportunity to do a lot of good and make a world of difference, but if we can't see the opportunities in front of us, a world could slip by.

The new precinct seems to be a better place than the last. I've found places here where peace resides, and there's evidence suggesting that there are other strong soldiers among the people I'm with.

Fewer friends now, but getting to know the commander better. I was granted something incredible with him back in December - sort of an audience. It's strange to explain - he's always available, but somehow I don't always know how to approach him. I'd done something reckless that I'd been warned about before, and come out of it hurting badly. It came to me going to him to deal with the pain. I was in the process of transferring between precincts, and there was a break of a few weeks between the two.

I spent most of that time just healing under his care. He's the commander, but he also has a reputation for being the best physician. Not just the best one in the unit, or the best one available - simply the best. So, I was pretty well laid-up, couldn't really go anywhere, and spending so much time with him while he worked on me.

Healing from that particular incident didn't take too long, but the damage I'd done to myself from a number of other encounters (that I'd been ignoring) did. If I'd taken the time to do something about it, I might have been able to fix myself in a few months. It took him a week, maybe two. I wasn't the same person. I didn't want to hurt myself like that again

Unfortunately, old habits die harder than desires. Simply because I didn't really want to do something didn't change the idea that it was still sort of a goal to be attained. Unfortunately, it was related to my partner, and nailed us both the way it had before. Barely back at the precinct, and that particular injury was right back, flaring up again, undoing everything the commander had done.

In some ways I'm getting stronger. I'm requesting extra training, but unfortunately I'm trying to do too much, and don't have time for regular training. It's hurting me more than I'm acknowledging, but the commander's not ordering me on anything yet. He's giving me reminders about what'll happen, and shaking his head when he sees me trying to keep up, but I think he's letting me figure this one out on my own. Which means it's going to hurt a LOT more when I finally do.

Still alive, though. And while I did break the nature of the relationship we'd had after he'd spent all that time on me, he's now more of an influence in my life than before this whole situation. Just...need to figure the solution out again. Or rather, how to get to it - I know what the answer is, just not how to get there.

Fighting hard still. Heard about some others like me who are meeting, planning on checking it out.

In the time that's passed, I've found myself part of another project. This one's a good fit in both what they're looking for and what I wanted. Of course, based on previous failures, I'm now afraid of being taken off it simply because I'm content here. I'm doing what I can to make myself slightly less disposable, but I'll be reassigned soon, which means I'll have less time to devote to the project.

I've a new precinct now, or I will after the new year. I'll be splitting my time between the two, actually, which should make my time resource rather tight. I'm honestly quite apprehensive about this coming time, devoting time to two different precincts and the project, which is separate. If keeping my time from being so stretched was the primary goal, I'd relocate my home base to one closer to the new precinct, drop my work in the first, transfer to a closer project - relocate everything. Fortunately, in my eyes, time is not my first priority.

At the moment, working with the commander is. As you may have guessed, it's impossible to take him down, but the closer I am to him, it seems the more protection I am entitled to. I'll be wearing myself thin in the coming months, and I think I'll sleep in the commander's tent if I can figure out how. He's never been one to push me away, and I'm growing incredibly thankful for that.

Recently, my partner and I made some deliberate explorations into deadly territory. We both came back seriously wounded. I feel responsible, because I've been well-trained that this is too dangerous for anyone at our level, but he also claims responsibility. He knows well that this isn't for younglings, but doesn't seem to realize it as fully as I do. We're negotiating now - he isn't concerned about his injuries as I am, or the holes they present in his defenses, but he does recognize that it may not be the best place for it. He's also quite responsive to my desires to remain out of this place, no matter how much pressure I feel. I confess, I have a love for exploring, and there's a great deal there that I've only heard about.

I'm slightly concerned that our partnership will suffer, as he's still at the first precinct. I'm more concerned about our defenses being compromised again. But my first priority is to the commander. I used to think mission partners who said that were just kissing up, that they couldn't possibly mean that the commander meant more to them than their mission partner. I've yet to be assigned a mission partner, but I now understand how it's more important that you be strong with the commander. Even if the two of you have each other's backs and watch each other's defenses, without the supreme shielding the commander has at his disposal, you're doomed to fall. You may fall together, but you'll still fall. But it may be possible that, if one partner is shielded under the commander, they can offer strength to their partner, unprotected though he may be. This is where I stand now.

About my mission partner - I got an interesting bit of advice while recuperating. I've been eagerly awaiting news of a mission partner for me, and someone took the time to notice this and rebuke me for it. I've been taught to trust the commander on everything else - why not trust his timing? At the very least, I lack the training for that sort of mission, and from what I hear, it takes years. I'm busy with another kind of training entirely right now. Also, there's a great deal that I can do as a solo unit that I wouldn't be able to accomplish with someone else along. Once I get my feet back under me, I plan to spend a lot of time training in those areas, and enjoying this as a gift.

Coming back, bleeding and brutalized, I fell at the commander's feet. He's been seeing me now as often as I remember to ask him, and the time we're spending together is renewing the fire in me for this war, for what we're fighting for. Right now, we have a new focus - defense tactics. I've been given a few new...let's say, resources to work with, and using them, I'm finding holes in my defenses that I didn't realize I had. I'm also getting back into my morning PT routine, and working on it whenever I can between breaks on the project. Tonight, I had a brief conference with one of my sergeants, discussing something I've been doing that's partly hurting me, but also taking out the defenses of a number of the others I'm fighting with. I'm doing what I can to be more conscious of this, and I've requested his help to keep an extra eye on me, to let me know if he sees me unwittingly committing the same action.

I'm rather anxious about the new precinct. What I'm doing here matters on multiple counts. My chief concern is making it to the precinct I desire, but I currently lack the qualifications and training for what's going on in that area. If I do well at the current one, I may be able to transfer this August, although the next winter looks more likely. If I fail...I may not be able to be reassigned to a precinct for a very long time.

Most important, though, is remaining strong with the commander. If my defenses fail, it's only a matter of time before I fail. I can't do any of this alone - but I'm reasonably certain that with him, we'll get all of it done.

In recent weeks, I've gotten more answers. At this time, plans are in place to transfer at the end of the year with one of the girls I met in my precinct. I've been assigned to one new project - we start work tomorrow. My current project will last another month. I'm looking for something to take its place - I'm considering graduating to a station that requires more work on things of this nature.

The situation with my partner is somewhat ambiguous right now, but we're still working together. I could say, though, that I've become more dependent on him than I'm comfortable with. I realized this a few days ago, and I'm working to pull it back and place my dependency with the commander, where it had been before, and where it belongs. Relying on a civilian partner is a chancy business, I'm told.

I'm writing about a development that's happened with me. There were a few things I figured out the other day, and they all loosely tie together, but the key was something I'd tried hard enough to forget that, it worked. And I learned that that was a mistake.

Before enlisting with the commander, I spent three years fighting alone in an area you know as De'Pre. It might have been more - I don't remember dates precisely. I remember the first few skirmishes, and I remember the first real fight. After that, it seemed unending. There was no peace - as soon as I left work, I'd have to defend again. And it's a very sneaky place - they'll soon have you questioning whether they're the enemy at all. You begin to think YOU are. You forget that you're fighting them for a reason, and soon you're fighting just to stay alive. And it wears on you - day in, day out, fighting hard to stay alive, and you're being told everywhere you look that the people fighting De'Pre aren't deserving to live.

It didn't help that I was, in a sense, undercover. All of us were - no one really knew who else was fighting there, and who was just living there, until someone came in badly wounded. There were no casualties in the little corner of De'Pre I was in, but two very close calls, where people were actually taken out of our lives to be resuscitated, and might not reappear at all. Relocated to a different area - maybe still in De'Pre. But we were all working alone, with no real leadership, just knowing that we had to survive one more day, and hoping we could.

I was a civilian under the commander at the time. I was desperate, hanging onto life moment-by-moment at times. I know that Hell exists, and there's probably nothing like it on this earth, but De'Pre was the closest thing I can imagine. I remember going to the commander over and over, asking him to remove my greatest responsibility from me. I wouldn't have to be in De'Pre anymore - I didn't know if I'd go home, or never get to go home at all, but I couldn't imagine life being any worse.

I wasn't yet serving under him. I actually felt that I'd been so destroyed by the things that had happened in De'Pre that I'd be useless as a soldier. I've seen the commander's soldiers, and they always look amazing to my eyes. They didn't seem to be real people - they seemed stronger, and more confident, and unafraid. Gentler, too - they knew where to look for danger, and so didn't expect it from every person they encountered. I'd been wounded and scarred and, I thought, disfigured by the years of battle in De'Pre. The constant campaigns against us had me convinced that I had no value, too. I never thought of enlisting, because I didn't want to drag the commander's army down. I didn't think I'd ever be good enough.

De'Pre's got it figured out. When you're attacking both the mind and the body, one of them will give up. My soul felt bruised, sometimes shattered from the impact both were taking, and my heart was a forgotten thing. I was putting less effort into hiding myself in battle, a little slower to take cover. I was beginning to let go of life.

There are campaigns of the commander, too. I'm not sure how much he oversees and sends out, or how much is just work done by other soldiers, but one of them made it through the smog and dust of De'Pre. Everything in De'Pre is dust-covered, and the sky is a constant haze. It's a city without color, and you really can't see too far around you. You tend to forget that there's another world out there.

A soldier by the name of Becker. I've never known her, I probably never will. But she was the one responsible for this particular idea. In the filth of De'Pre, she claimed that the commander still wanted me, even scarred as I was. I don't know how much longer I would have lasted - it may have been as little as a week, it could have been another five months. But, alone, I know I would have succumbed, and died.

I don't mean that as any kind of metaphor. The commander saved my life.

It took some time to get out of De'Pre. I honestly can't remember whether I enlisted while I was still there, or if I chose to undergo more pre-enlist training. If I did, I can tell you that I don't recommend it. Pre-enlist training is for people who aren't really certain that they're all the commander needs yet, or they want to be a little more ready before they go through with it. It's really got no point - you learn things better once you're in the enlisted forces, and everything's now being learned with a purpose in mind.

Ever since the day I left De'Pre, I tried to forget it. I felt as though my life was colored by the time I'd spent there. I wanted to be able to introduce myself to people and not wonder if they were staring at my scars. I was alive, and wonderfully grateful for the life I'd been given. Nearly losing something really makes you appreciate it. Every day was filled with new discovery, and I was enthusiasm caught up in one of the shells of the commander's making. I loved being alive.

And at some point, I did forget. Not completely - I'd remember if someone asked me for details about De'Pre. But it didn't dwell on my mind any longer. I would go for weeks without thinking about it. I was free of De'Pre, I'd never have to go back there again. Or, at least, I hoped so. There was a point or two after I left that the commander needed me back there - not a time I relished, but now I was pleading with the commander to give me the resources to make it through alive. And I was alive. I was so alive.

What I realized a few days ago would be the consequences of forgetting De'Pre. Because forgetting it entirely meant that I'd forgotten that I'd been given my life back. I'd lost that fire, the joy of living every moment. I was now concerned with an entirely different field and trying to become a soldier I don't think I was ever meant to be.

So, I went to the Commander last night, and talked about it with him. He understood - in fact, I think he knew that this'd be happening when I asked him to help me forget De'Pre. I understand now why I was there, and I've asked him to remind me daily that my life was a gift from him, that he saved me. For some reason, and I think the horror of De'Pre has a lot to do with it, I have some memory-loss, and trouble remembering things now. I want to live, and to fight, with that fire in me. It's a special gift from the commander - he makes this Fyre(tm), and he gives it out when he sees a soldier who'd be well-suited to it, or who needs it.

I was wrong. I don't ever want to forget again.

In the two weeks since my last letter, I've gotten assigned to a new project, the concept of a transfer's been removed, and I have no further answers as to the dilemma with my partner.

My new project is working with a mostly-civilian team. Military affiliation isn't an acceptable topic of conversation with the people here, so for all I know, half the team could be enlisted. I like the people I'm working with, and I've made some friends that I wouldn't have expected. My team leader's an interesting person - he has a lot of the qualities I'm looking for in a mission partner, and it's hard to remember to forget the quest for the moment. He's safe, though - I think he's a civilian, and he's completed some major things in his life that I'm just starting on. Similar traits, but totally different places in life. It's not ideal for a partnership. But everyone on the team likes him, and it's good to be working under someone like him.

Some of the higher-ups in authority came to the conclusion that I'd failed enough missions in this precinct that I should be removed from duty there. This is interesting, because a few nights before I'd received the missive informing me of this, I'd been speculating on what use the Commander might have for me in the distant future, and where he'd want me. I'd come to the conclusion that I was training for the wrong field, and that in nearly any decent plan, I'd have to change precincts.

There's one in particular I'd like to be placed in. It's still accessible from the home base, and there's more training available there than was at the old one. It'd be a longer assignment than this one was supposed to be, and everyone there is required to undergo far more military training while they're there. Tomorrow I'm scheduled to go check it out - I've only heard about it and read up on it a little, I've never been inside. I'm definitely hoping to be assigned here, but I'm slightly afraid that being dismissed from my last assignment will weigh against me here.

In the case of my partner, nothing's changed. Pretty much living every day, day to day, working together and interacting well. It's hard, because I like to have answers. I want to be planning ahead for later work we'll do together. I can't imagine there being anyone out there that the Commander knows that will be a better fit for me, but I have to trust him. Maybe I'll be a solo act for life, and that's where the Commander knows I'll do best, and maybe I just have to learn something new. Maybe there's more I need to learn, maybe...there's a hundred possibilities I can think of that come out well. For all I know, my partner may enlist, but I've learned to never bank on that notion.

If I'm assigned to this precinct, I'll remain in this base for at least another year. If I'm not, I'll have to check out some other precincts, and once I get outside a certain radius from the base, I'll plan on living inside the precinct. I'm definitely hoping to be assigned to this one, but I'll know by the end of the week whether that's an option.

I want to trust the Commander, but it's a lot easier when I have clear instructions. Simply waiting, even when I know he's got this planned out - it's difficult. It's a different kind of trust - before, I had to learn to trust that his orders wouldn't get me killed. Now, I have to trust that he's got this situation planned out, and I don't need to know all the details.